She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
