i permit you to call me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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