Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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