Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
