Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
