I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
