I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?