Got a toothbrush?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
