I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
