Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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