I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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