"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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