We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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