allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
