I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
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