I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
As shirtless as possible
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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