the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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