I'm so fucking centered right now
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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