I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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