I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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