At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
