He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
