We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Boobs speak an international language.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
