You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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