whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
