woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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