I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
