those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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