I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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