why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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