I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
