On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
