if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
