So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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