Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
