After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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