shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
