don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
