my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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