My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
