If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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