Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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