You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
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It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
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Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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