I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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