Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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