i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
