I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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