I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
