The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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