Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
