I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Watching her eat just hurts me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I woke up under a house in Key West
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
