the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
