I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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