Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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